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Felicity ([personal profile] freckless) wrote2012-09-13 12:37 am

Adventures in Depression.

So about a month ago I was diagnosed with Anxiety and Depression. I will admit that it has been a long time coming. I haven't been quite myself in a few years. Possibly not since 2006 when I broke my ankle. That was a rather large confidence buster. Lost a lot of confidence in myself and my abilities for a few years after that. And I wouldn't be surprised if that was the incident that started my slide into depression. It wasn't fast by any means, but it did take a while for me to notice.

What actually spurred me into finally going to the doctors wasn't the increase in anxiety attacks at work, the mounting apathy and lack of motivation or even the ever increasingly frequent bursting into tears but the fact that my little brother was diagnosed. If he had the resolve and strength to go to a doctor and get diagnosed, then surely as the elder sibling I should be able to admit I have a problem as well?

Hello.

My name is Felicity, and I suffer from depression and anxiety attacks.

Feel special Internet, for other than close immediate family, you are the only other person I have told. I have always hated to have and show a weakness, and standing at 5'0 in height that includes asking for someone to reach something for me (my impersonation of a mountain goat has become rather impeccable over time).

Needless to say, it has taken me a while to process the fact that I have an illness and that my symptoms are a part of said illness and not a weakness. Harder still to start to dismantle the mask that I have been wearing for the past 18 months to try and hide all of this away from everyone.

A bigger step still will be to tell more people that I have depression. This though I know will take some time. The reason that I have kept it hidden for so long, and anything else I consider a 'weakness' is because I am jaded and cynical and am fully aware of the fact that any weakness can and may be used against me.

This is the reason why I am the first to make a height joke.

This is the reason why I have a habit of hiding my emotions.

This is the reason for my false bravado.

BUT! I am working on it. Working on being able to admit out loud my problem. Working on as my therapist says 'not trying to be so stoic all the time.' Working on just simply getting better.

Am I OK?

No.

But I will be.